The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
