Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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