I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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