Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
