I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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