I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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