I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
