Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
