Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
