the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
