i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
