Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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