ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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