Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
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