Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
