Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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