He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm getting married
To pizza
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
