Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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