he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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