If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
