3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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