Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
