I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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