Barsexuality is the new black.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
