I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
