Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
