I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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