I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
