someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
