well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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