Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
