He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
