I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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