apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
