I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
