I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
