Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
