i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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