what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
