People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
