I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
why is half of my head shaved?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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