Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
