but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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