Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
