If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
