In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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