It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
