i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
