Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
