Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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