benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
