I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
