if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
