Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
