we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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