Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
