Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
