I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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