Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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